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    STAGE 1 – DENIAL! (The 5 Stages of Breakup Grief and How to Get Through Them Series)

    Denial … it ain’t just a river in Egypt!

    No, instead it’s a river running through you that washes away your logical judgement so you can keep finding justifications to see things how you want them to be, instead of how they are.

    When someone loses a loved one to death most people go through 5 stages. These 5 stages were created by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and are called ‘The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief’. Read more about this in our Intro to this series

    That fear of losing control, losing something that matters a great deal brings you right back to the childhood strategy of ‘if I stick my head under the covers and can’t see the monster, it doesn’t exist’. Sometimes that’s ok, like when you need to switch your focus from something negative. Ignore it the whole day long.

    But when you are in denial because you want to control a situation or person and you find you that can’t – then it’s just keeping yourself in a place of pain.

    Denial is there both before and after a breakup. Here are some signs for both.

    Before the breakup:

    1. You feel you have to justify them or how the love really IS there to friends and family. You get angry when anyone suggests otherwise.

    2. You worry when you don’t get a reply to your text/phone call/email right away. It may be you and you possibly have some anxiety and attachment issues. But if you’re an otherwise calm or positive person and all of a sudden you’re worrying … you’re in that Egyptian River again.

    3. You feel like you have to control every aspect of the relationship or it will fall apart. Your loved one may be drifting away gradually before the breakup which is common and you’re desperately trying to hold on. You’re doing all the work.

    4. Your friends and family go strangely quiet when you talk about your love life. They can see it’s going pear-shaped but know you’ll just get upset if they say anything.

    After the Breakup

    After a breakup, denial comes in a very simple form. And you cling to the little lifesaver floating on that river of purposeful self-deception like your life depends on it.

    The words painted on this circular lying shiny hoop of hope are simple:

    ‘He/She didn’t really mean it. It’s only because of x, y, z (choose the psychological issue of choice that blocks them from realising they REALLY love you.)

     

    … He’ll be back’

     

    Maybe they will and maybe they won’t. Maybe he really does have issue #487 of why men run away from a woman they really love … or women from men. And they’ll work on it to heal themselves and grow in self-awareness and commit to a stable relationship with you.

    However here is a simple truth that I hope will help you flow down to the tough, but cleansing and self-esteem building, stage 2 of anger:

    Sometimes people don’t want to be in a relationship with a particular person.

    Or they are not ready to be in one, either because of psychological blocks or because they have some growing to do.

    They may love you. But if they’re not prepared to do what it takes to resolve their issues or even if they just don’t want to be tied down, they don’t want you and your relationship enough. Their bid for freedom is stronger than the pain of not having you in their life.

    That is not personal towards you, though it may feel that way (see your own Core Wounds) but what is needed now is to see the situation for what it is.

    Pissed off yet?

    Good.

    It means you realise you’ve been working too hard to convince yourself and everyone else of something that isn’t there.

    Stay tuned for the next step which you may also be familiar with – Stage 3 is Anger!

    DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN ABOUT THAT BREAKUP?

    GIVE ONE OF OUR PSYCHICS A CALL!

    GO HERE TO CHOOSE ONE OF OUR GIFTED READERS WHO CAN GIVE YOU A READING ABOUT YOUR FUTURE!